Only for Him Read online

  “Emma, no joke. If I didn’t have you, I’d—” He shakes his head. “I need you, always have, in a way you’ll never know.”

  “But I want to.”

  His eyes close tight. “No. You don’t.”

  Hugging my body to his, I want to meld together. “Whatever’s in your head, I wish you could trust me with it.”

  Placing a soft kiss to my temple, he sighs. “You want to know about Pops?”

  I nod.

  “Baby, it’s dark and dangerous, and I don’t think you could ever forgive me, ever be with the kind of person I am.”

  My heart squeezes. “Grayson, I will take you however you come. Don’t you get that?”

  “I deserve everything he’s thrown at me. But that night? In front of you? I couldn’t see straight, couldn’t think.” He closes his eyes, breathes deeply, then his green eyes open. “Haven’t seen Pops since that night.”

  “He’s just… gone?”

  Grayson nods. “He has his reasons for hating me… but the look on your face. He hurt you, Emma, and I attacked just like he does. Fuck me, I’m not him and don’t want you to think of me like that.”

  “I don’t.”

  “I saw it in your eyes. You didn’t want me, and I didn’t blame you. But damn it, that hurt.”

  I kiss him, lightly at first, then stronger. “I want you in every way. Trust me. Believe me.” My lips press to his again, and I kiss him hard, deep, needing to show him that there’s nothing he can say that will make me walk away.

  “Believe you.” He clasps my face, holding my mouth to his. The kiss is intense. Consuming. I can’t breathe, and I don’t care. I just need him.

  A noise outside tears us apart.

  Ryan’s car has pulled up to the beach house, and everyone is piling out. I’m panting. He’s flushed. My lips feel swollen. My nipples are painfully hard and visibly outlined in my bikini top.

  “Shit.” Grayson’s grip flexes. “You good for a minute?”

  What does that even mean? I nod, slowing my breaths on purpose. “Yeah.”

  Grayson and his erection move to a kitchen chair, and I fumble, making sure my bathing suit is where it should be. It’s not, and I fix it right as Courtney and Melanie walk in the door, their mouths moving a mile a minute, jabbering about whatever, with arms full of grocery bags. The guys are behind them with a case of beer—which means Ryan’s priceless ID worked yet again—and a bag of charcoal for the grill.

  One stare from Melanie, and I know I’m busted. Twenty seconds ago, I couldn’t breathe. Of course it would be obvious that something was happening. She bursts out in giggles, raising a knowing eyebrow. It sets off a chain reaction with Courtney.

  “Christ, man. The kitchen?” Ryan mumbles but has nothing more to say.

  Grayson ignores them, stands to grab my hand, and tugs. “Let’s go.”

  He wastes no time in showing us to the room he’s sharing with Ryan, and he slides the lock on the door. I bite my lip, unsteady under Gray’s intense stare.

  “What are we doing?” I whisper.

  “Ignoring the future.”

  My heart falls and jumps. Again with his fear of tomorrow, but does that mean he’ll give me what I want?

  “I’m not going to sleep with you, Emma. Not here. Like this. Not… now.”

  “Okay.” Good. This isn’t how I want it anyway, in some room he shares with my brother after we were basically caught making out. Nothing romantic about that. And I want it all: the future, the man, the feelings, and the emotion.

  “But I am going to memorize every inch of your body.”

  Holy crap, I can’t even begin to process what that will entail. The way he said it was predatory, and even as I stare, turned on and disillusioned, the timber of his voice crawls through me, sliding down my spine.

  “Lie down, Ems.”

  And carefully, nervously, I do. When he sits beside me, the bed dips. He’s by my ankles, and I’m lying stick straight. Again, my breaths fall faster just because of him, and it’s so obvious on my back in my bathing suit. Not much to hide behind. But he looms over me with his giant, tan shoulders beautifully within reach. The definition of his chest is scarily sharp.

  We watch each other until I realize that I’m no longer stiff and straight but relaxed, loose, and aroused. His hand picks up my right foot. It tickles, and I twitch, which makes him smile.

  “Easy, baby.”

  Baby. My heart stops. That’s it. I’m done. If Ems did something magical to me before, baby knocked me stratospheric. I ease for him. Relax for him. I’ll do anything for him, but now all I do is exist as his strong hands glide up my calf and over my knee to massage my thigh. He spends a delicious eternity repeating the unhurried move before switching to my other leg. The process is repeated in its slow entirety. I’m putty in his hands, and as much as I want to touch him, that’s apparently not what our moment now is about.

  “Turn over,” he whispers, and I do.

  Gray toys with my hair, brushing it off my shoulders. His fingers trace my spine, running and rubbing my skin, making me squirm. Then he loosens the knot at my neck and the clasp at my back, letting my bikini top fall off even though I’m on my stomach.

  “You’re perfect. You know that, right?” He draws closer to me.

  His body lies parallel but shifts and folds over me. His kiss stuns me when it touches the nape of my neck and slides down my back, following the same path his fingers took. As my skin erupts into shivers, I twist to him, needing so much more, but he holds me in place, kissing my back, all the way to the base of my spine, right to the top of the bikini bottoms.

  I lick my lips. “I’m perfect when I’m with you.”

  He turns me over, my chest bare to him. I don’t move to cover or shy away. I’ve never felt more beautiful than right now. His eyes drink me in, and whatever his fear of the future is, I believe it can be dealt with.

  “Sleep with me tonight.” His fingertips skim over my skin. “Like sleep.”

  The genuine carefulness in his words stills my heart. I nod. The sun hasn’t set, we haven’t had dinner, but if he wants to go to bed now, kissing and sleeping until tomorrow, I’ve never been more ready for bed.

  And that’s what we do. We kiss and touch and whisper, and long after the sunlight turns to dark, we sleep. His breathing evens out before I tumble into dreams. “I love you, Grayson Ford.”

  Even though I’m certain he’s asleep, his arms flex around me, and this is what happiness means to me.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Emma

  Saturday night’s here, and I’m sitting on Grayson’s leg watching Courtney and Ryan lose at beer pong. Maybe it’s unnoticeable to anyone else, but Ryan is losing on purpose. He and Courtney have had this thing all week, and it’s shifted the looks from Gray and me to them. Thankfully, though, sitting on Gray’s leg, letting him run his fingers up and down my arm, I don’t care if anyone has an opinion.

  The only thing Ryan’s said is that it sucks to have a roommate who locks him out of the room, which made me blush. And made Courtney blush. So thinking back on it, Ryan wasn’t too pissed at all about Gray commandeering their shared bedroom for nights with me. He wanted it for himself.

  But right now, heaviness hangs on Grayson’s face. It’s not obvious, and when pressed for more, all he gives is a placating smile. I can read him well after the days spent together behind closed doors. The sounds I’ve made for him would be mortifying if not for how amazing they feel. The way his hands play… Grayson’s the only person in the world that I’ll let see this side of me. The more intimately he touches me, the bolder I am, and when it’s my turn, I become more… alive. More me.

  Heat hits my cheeks. I know I’m blushing and trying unsuccessfully to hide my smile. Tucking my face into his bare shoulder, I let my lips press to his skin. It warms my memories. I have thoughts of last night with his mouth over me, in between my thighs, and then my first time tasting him… My belly somersaults.

  I love
it. Love him. Love everything about us.

  “What are you smiling at?” His voice tickles my ear.

  “Nothing.” I might be able to love what we’ve done, but telling him about my mini-fantasy of wrapping my lips around him and sucking again… Well, I’m going to need a few weeks before I’m comfortable saying that.

  He chuckles, and I know he knows. “How about nothing I haven’t replayed a hundred times today, too?”

  Holy shit, cue belly flip. “Oh my God, Gray.”

  His hands tighten around my waist, and I squirm. It's becoming one of the things I do most because, when he touches me, I know what comes next.

  “Let’s get out of here.” He lifts me up, and I squeak in giddy surprise. “We’re headed to the beach.”

  Gray heads for the door, holding me against his soapy-scented chest, and grabs a beach blanket from a pile by the door. I’m weightless, supported in his muscular arms. When we hit the sand, I snuggle close. “What are we going to do?”

  “What do you want to do, baby?”

  “You.” I kiss his shoulder.

  He clutches me closer, and the scruff from his cheek scratches against my skin. “Just you and me and the ocean right now.”

  My chest feels tight. The waves crash in the background. The last few days, I’ve been honest with everything I’ve said to him. But there have been some thoughts and concerns that have gone unvoiced, mostly about his crazy future fears. “It’s romantic.”

  Distant lights from the beach house give soft shade to his face. “Didn’t bring you out here for romance. Just had to get away, be with you.”

  Gray sets me down and spreads the blanket. In a whoosh, I’m back in his arms, on my back, and he’s holding himself over me. But then he rolls us over so I’m on his chest. Forever ticks by, his thick arms clinging to me like he’s scared that tomorrow, when we drive home, everything will be forgotten.

  He clears his throat. “I have to tell you something.”

  This again. He starts; then he stops. Whatever it is, it’s driving him crazy. Me, not so much. Nothing he can say will change how I feel. Young love, maybe. But it’s deep. It’s burned into my soul.

  I prop up on his chest and stare into a face shadowed by the night. “Okay.”

  “Fuck me.” He groans. “I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

  I nod. “Probably stronger.”

  “Not like that, Ems. Like… I’m broken inside, and you, you’re perfect.”

  “You’re my perfection.” He looks away, and I bring his face back to mine. “Just tell me already. Whatever it is, it’s killing you and ruining my romance on the beach.” Giving him a half-grin and a quiet laugh, I’m dying to help him free himself of this imaginary burden.

  “What if we only had tonight?”

  I laugh into the salty air. “Well, you know what I’d want.” Dropping my mouth to his, I kiss him and let his tongue sweep into my mouth. “The world’s ending, and I want you. It’s the apocalypse? My last thought is to be next to you, making love to you.”

  I can’t believe I just said that. My blood rushes.

  He hugs me close, murmuring against my lips. “You have no idea.”

  No, I don’t. Not if he won’t tell me. Instead of pleading with him again, I press my lips to his.

  He pulls back. “Emma, I messed up, but I have to wonder if everything happens for a reason. You’re going to college. You’ve got the world lined up—”

  That’s what his future issue is? “Grayson. Stop.”

  “It’s—”

  “Listen.” Plastered on his chest, I lean up and cup his cheeks. Breathing in deeply and knowing the truth, I close my eyes and pray whatever hurts him can just heal, that whatever secret he thinks will cause irreparable harm disappears.

  “Listening, baby.” Even in the dark, his eyes are the most beautiful shade of green I’ve ever seen.

  “I love you, Grayson.” My heart seizes. Even though it’s the truth, it’s out there, and I can’t hide or take it back. “You’re my best friend, and I’m in love with you.”

  His eyes search mine in the dark. Silence hangs. Then his hands cup my cheeks, too. We hold each other like that.

  “Promise?”

  I nod.

  “God, baby.” He blows out, and I’m not sure whether it’s relief or terror. “I love you, too.”

  Oh, yes. His words are quiet and sweet, but my heart and soul soar. Already lying on top of him, I hug him and bring my gaze back to his. His lips touch mine, and he kisses me. Strong hands rub my back, my bottom. He threads his fingers into my hair. His length hardens between us, and I’m wound so tight, my skin sizzles from the inside out.

  “I want this, Gray. I’m giving everything I have to you. Please.”

  His lips don’t leave mine. His hands hold me tighter. “Emma…”

  I kiss him. “As long as you never say goodbye to me, we will always be okay in the end. I want you to be my first…” …and my last, though that I don’t have the guts to say.

  His soft eyelashes sink shut, our bodies meld, and he kisses me back. “I love you.”

  “Never tell me goodbye.”

  He stiffens, staring deep into me. Then he blinks, nods, and kisses, his tongue teasing mine. “Ems—”

  “Never mind. No more talking. Please?”

  With a look so long and deep that it steals my breath, he finally nods and turns me onto my back. It takes seconds for him to remove my bikini, and smiling, I shed him of his shorts. His mouth is on my neck, behind my ear. Warm air blows over us as our hands intertwine. He’s so careful with me, kissing me deeply, hugging me close.

  “I love you, baby. I do.” One hand slips free of our grasp and teases between my legs. He sucks a long breath against my skin, and so do I. Gray teases me until I’m almost grinding against him, and then he presses fingers inside me. It’s heaven. It’s still so new, so insane, but I’ve never been more ready for more.

  I’m moaning as he works me. “I’m so… Please. Please…”

  His mouth meets mine. His hand guides himself close. The head of him touches me, and my heart’s pounding. I’m drunk for wanting this, needing him. And as he pushes against me, our eyes lock. “Yes.”

  “Okay?” he breathes against me.

  God, he’s holding back, and I’m surging forward. “Please.” It’s the only thing I can manage. I’m begging. Pleading. The sensation is amazing, the stretching painful. Uncertainty paints his face, but I’m nodding and urging.

  “Oh. God.” Inch by inch. He moves into me, and my jaw hinges open, my back arching off the blanket. I gulp and gasp.

  “Okay?” he says again. Restraint shows in his jaw.

  “Don’t stop. God.” I hurt as much as I love this. The pain abates, and my hips flex toward his. He reads me. He always does. And slowly he slides deeper, only to withdraw and torture me again.

  “Fuck me,” he groans. “Love this.”

  I’m without words, but my teeth find his bottom lip, my body’s reacting to his, and what happens is more than I can hope for.

  He’s my everything. “I love you.”

  Then Grayson Ford takes over. Slowly, deeply, he rides into me. My legs wrap around him, and he goes faster. My teeth bite into his shoulder, my mind winds tight as my body. When I begin to spiral toward my climax, he knows it. It’s an explosion, and we’re lost in each other. He comes with me, and it’s the best moment of my life, feeling him inside me, feeling me shatter because he made me.

  Our breathing levels while slow kisses steal the night away. His hands cover my back, and carefully, he pulls away from me. I’m in his arms, knowing this is how forever feels. Contentment settles in my chest.

  Finally, wordlessly, we dress, and I’m back against him. He carries me to bed. It’s the middle of the night, maybe close to morning. My eyelids hang in sated, almost-slumber while he arranges the pillows and tucks me in.

  “I’ll never forget tonight.” He kisses my temple, and the comfortab
le haven of his arms, my pillow, and blanket call to me. “Love you forever.”

  Slowly, happily, I slip to sleep.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Present Day…

  Grayson

  “Go, go, go! Get your asses moving.” Orders bark in my earpiece from a man who can’t see the shit-storm around Maddox and me.

  Mortar fire screams from every direction. Smoke clouds the night air, and my lungs burn. Sulfur burns in my nostrils, and I’m choking on adrenaline. Fight. Survive. Those are my goals. I push against the crumbling wall, breathing hard, wishing like hell there is a break in the insurgent attack we never saw coming.

  “Go!”

  Shit, man. If we have some place to go, our asses would be moving as ordered. Fuck me. But we are blind, trapped in a dilapidated hut on the outskirts of a town that didn’t want us here to begin with.

  A bullet hits the wall above me. Another one strikes closer, lower, just a few feet off. I’m not getting shot and left to die in this sandbox. I look over at Maddox, the only other man standing. The ground shakes as a mortar lands outside. Our unit has been decimated. We’ve got nothing, no ammo, no backup, no support except the asshole in our ears telling us to go.

  “Go where?” Maddox shouts. His voice breaks. He’s scared. God, man, I’m scared. We’re done. No way we see tomorrow. It just can’t happen.

  “Air support’s there in two minutes. Make it ’til then, boys. You goddamn make it until that bird shows up.”

  An explosion rocks the hut’s roof. It’s caving in around us. Dust bites into my eyes. Chunks of plaster rain down. I grab Maddox, pulling him with me, and we run with no idea where to go. We blast through what’s left of the door, and cool air smacks me.

  I drop, dragging Maddox. All our brothers-in-war died around us, coughing up blood, screaming out in pain. Maddox is in shock. I’d be in the same state of mind, except I long ago lost mine.

  “C’mon.” I’ve got him by his shoulder, pushing him to keep my grueling pace. Don’t know where we’re going, but we gotta get there. Gotta live. I have a plan, have had it for three years. The only thing I need to do is stay alive, fulfill my Army contract, and find my way home—to a place almost scarier than war, where memories and mistakes are just as real as bullets and IEDs.