Only for Him Page 5

CHAPTER EIGHT

  Three weeks later…

  Emma

  Cherry: You sure you’re good?

  That’s the fifth text message from Cherry today. I’d spilled my guts when she came in for graduation. We spent a whole weekend bitching about boys, enough to scare Ryan away from all questions about where Grayson has been, but even my brother’s caught on, giving the occasional it’s-okay grin.

  After Cherry went back to college, she started a daily text message campaign. Her goal was to ready me for today: D-day. Or rather B-week. Beach week.

  In our town, every senior takes the week after graduation, teams up with their friends, and rents a house for a week of celebration. A few of us rented a beach house. My small group obviously includes Grayson, so for the fifth time today¸ I lie and text Cherry back.

  Emma: Doing awesome. Seriously, no worries.

  It takes her two seconds to call me out on it.

  Cherry: Liar. Call me if you need me. xx

  Yeah, I need her in a major way, but what am I going to do? Have my big sister come home and bunk with me? Besides, I don’t want her around Grayson. She’s got a heart like mine, and she’s a fixer, a planner, and after what I confided in her, she wants to show up at Grayson’s place and do something about his dad.

  The problem, we decided, is that he’s eighteen. He could leave. But leave what? Go where? If he won’t talk to me, then I’m left to my own thoughts, which haven’t been great. I groan. I’m so confused.

  “Hey, hon?” Mom knocks softly and walks in. She’s had an eye on me for the last few weeks, and I’m pretty sure that Cherry ratted me out after graduation. Not that she told Mom I offered up myself in bed, but I’m sure Mom knows there was a falling out between me and Gray.

  It’s been weeks since the Sadie Hawkins disaster. Gray can do his thing, and I’ll do mine. He hasn’t been to lunch. He hasn’t returned a phone call or text, nothing online. Nothing. I almost caught him when I came out of the school darkroom, but he ditched down a hall right when the bell rang, and I was stuck staring after him and holding a handful of photography supplies.

  Gray’s still hanging with everyone but me and still going to the beach house. I’m not sure what to do, especially on the ride out there with Ryan and Gray. How should I act? What do I say? Maybe ignore it all? Whatever I do, it won’t matter. My heart’s still bleeding. I lost him, and it hasn’t made me love him any less.

  Judging by the pictures from the rental site, there’s a chance it will be just like school. We’ll never bump into each other, given how big that house is. I could always follow him around like some PI ninja, but that’s pathetic, just like how I feel.

  Ugh, I stifle a groan and turn to Mom. “Hey.”

  “Have you talked to Ryan this morning?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “What’s up?”

  “He was up all night, sick.”

  My eyebrows rise. “What?”

  She leans against the door jam. “I think he has food poisoning, but either way, he’s going to miss the first day or two of beach week.”

  Shit, shoot, shit. Nervous excitement at the thought of a car ride alone with Grayson rolls through me. It’s at my brother’s expense, which kinda makes me an awful person. “Yeah, okay.”

  Maybe Ryan’s hungover from his spiral of post-grad partying. Mom leaves, and I grab my phone. After a few minutes of texting Ryan to no avail, I roll out of bed and knock on his door.

  No answer, so I nudge open the door. He doesn’t seem hungover, just sleepy. But he sounds like shit, croaky and gross.

  “Don’t come in here, Emma.” He pulls the pillow over his head.

  “No prob.” Germs aren’t my thing. I would bathe in hand sanitizer if I could. Getting sick is a nightmare.

  Okay. Alright. Shit. Okay. What do I do? We’re supposed to leave, like… right now.

  “Have fun.” He coughs. “Catch up with you guys soon as I can.”

  If Ryan, Grayson, and I are supposed to ride together, does that mean now it’s just Gray and me? I bite my lip. It seems benign enough except my pulse thumps. But would Gray ride with just me?

  Of course he would. Right? He might be avoiding me, but he’s not an asshole.

  Gray’s gotta be mature enough to sit in a car and, at the very least, ignore me for a couple of hours. What if I can’t handle the close quarters alone with him? Maybe I should call up Courtney or Melanie and ride with them, just to save everyone an awful few hours. Time is ticking and—

  “Emma,” Mom calls from downstairs.

  My stomach leaps into my throat. It’s go time. Grayson must be here already. I head that way, stopping on the final step, nerves firing. Please don’t let him leave when he finds out Ryan won’t join us. I’m not sure I could handle such direct avoidance.

  “Emma, get down here, hon. Gray’s—” She rounds the corner and steps toward me, her face confused. “Hey, Gray’s here.”

  I peek over Mom’s shoulder, and he’s inching toward the door. My world spins just seeing him. He’s beautiful, handsome, so tall and strong. I think the last few months have changed him from a boy to more of a man. He’s just so… Gray.

  Knowing his lips had been on mine and why he won’t talk to me makes my soul ache. Down to the very base of my body, I hurt. I miss him. Forget that I love him and that I want to hold him. I need him with a desperation I can’t explain, and I want him to know that what happened with his dad, it’s unacceptable, but it’s not worth losing us over.

  “Emma?” Mom gives me a onceover. It’s like she can sense something’s off but can’t put two and two together. Maybe I was wrong about Cherry giving her any gossipy details.

  Here goes nothing. “Hey, Gray.”

  He turns, and piercing green eyes draw me to him. “Ems.”

  The only word I’ve heard from him in weeks and it has to be Ems. I’m lightheaded.

  “Alright, you two.” Mom gives me a hug. “Have fun. Give me kisses, Emma.”

  I kiss her cheek, but my brow drops as I find the courage to tell him he’s stuck with me. “Oh, um. Ryan’s riding out later.”

  Grayson’s jaw flexes. “Right. That’s what your mom said.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, his giant shoulders hulking. But his eyes still hold mine. “Okay, let’s go.”

  His obvious discomfort around me is painful. I can’t do this. Maybe this was a bad idea, riding with him. “Ya know… I’ll hitch a ride. Or drive myself.”

  Mom laughs. “You’re not driving yourself to the beach, Emma. My God. Grayson, her bag is in the mudroom. You two need anything? You’re good on cash? Dad shoved another couple twenties in your bag after he said bye this morning.”

  Numbly, I can’t think of an argument that doesn’t make me sound pathetic. I stare at the hardwood floor. Grayson passes me, and I hear him grab my bag. When he walks by, my bag thrown over his shoulder, his soapy scent makes my mouth water and my eyes tear. I want that so bad. I want him. So much. So pathetic.

  At my door, he turns. “You need anything else?”

  Um… Yeah. You. Back to normal with me. But really, I do need my purse and toiletry bag. “Give me a minute.”

  I run upstairs, grab my crap, and text Cherry.

  Emma: Things are more complicated. But I’ll survive. Call you later.

  She doesn’t ping me back, and there’s no option but to get into Gray’s car. Actually, there are a million options. The truth is, I’m hurting so much, missing him even more, and I refuse to miss a chance to sit next to him, even if it’s in uncomfortable silence, for the next few hours.

  “Bye, Mom.”

  From somewhere, she shouts back, and then I’m out the door to meet him at his car. Each nervous step feels heavier than the next, and by the time my hand touches the door handle, I’m concerned I’ll puke from nerves. So much for saving the friendship.

  “Hey,” he mumbles.

  “Hey.” I climb in and trap myself next to him. Delicious insanity. I want to hug him, hold him, kis
s him, scream at him, plead for words, beg for a conversation. But I just buckle my seatbelt.

  He backs out. It’s a three-hour drive to the beach. When we show up, we won’t be alone. Courtney and Melanie left this morning. Trevor and James arrived last night. Our drive out is my only chance at… what? Everything.

  My bravery is pooling again, despite our awkward silence. I bite my lips to keep quiet, but I know it won’t work.

  We merge onto the highway. His overwhelming presence fills his car, and when I take in his broad shoulders and strong jaw, it’s more than my broken mind can handle. The thing about being heartbroken is that I’m so ruined that I don’t care if it happens again. I’m blinded by love. Blinded by heartbreak. Just… blind when it comes to him. I can’t see anything past how I feel.

  “You okay over there?” His voice interrupts my thoughts.

  “What?”

  “You’re…” His hand flexes on the steering wheel. “Growling or something.”

  “I didn’t growl.”

  He changes lanes, looking more at me than his blind spot. “So what was that?”

  “I’m just…not okay. I want to scream. Or cry. Probably both. Because of you.”

  He rubs a hand over his face and into his hair.

  If it wouldn’t kill us on the highway, I would shake him. First, because my hands would be on him again, and it would be temporary heaven. But second, isn’t it possible to rattle someone so hard that whatever is wrong with them—with us—slips away? “You told me I can’t hide from you. You made me promise I wouldn’t avoid you, Gray. Promise.”

  “Yeah, I know,” he mumbles.

  “What is it, a double standard?”

  The radio station comes back from commercial, and his thumbs beat on the steering wheel. “You wouldn’t understand, and I can’t explain it.”

  He turns the music up. Riding with him was an awful idea, and now I can’t breathe. My skin crawls. The seatbelt chokes me, and the air conditioning is blowing full blast, but it won’t take the edge off the heat eating me alive.

  “Everything was awesome. It was… perfect. And when—”

  “Drop it, Ems. I can’t talk to you about it.”

  My fingernails bite into my palms as I ball my fists in my lap. “Try me. Talk to me. Just say anything.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Damn it, Gray. Try!”

  Surprised, he turns his head. His eyes stay with me like we’re not flying down the road. “Ems—”

  “Stop with the Ems. Stops with everything,” I scream. “Stop what’s wrong. Stop it, stop it.”

  “Jesus, Emma, calm down. I’m not doing anything.”

  “Except you are.” My body curls in on itself, and my head shakes. The sadness and loss is overwhelming. I just ache. My stuttering breaths fall ragged between my lips. A tear slips free.

  “It’s for the best—”

  “I don’t believe you.” The guy who made me feel like I was so much more than some art nerd who happened to be his friend—that guy held me, kissed me. He made me want to give all of me to him.

  “You’d never understand.” His hand reaches over to find mine, and it sends a strike of lightning straight to my heart. “It’s always been about you.”

  My eyes sink shut, and my mind spins. He’s driving with his left hand. His right hand firmly holds my tight fist. His fingers flex and squeeze like he’s trying to tell me something. I don’t get it. But I do feel it.

  I don’t know why he runs from me, but I swear we’re not over. He can fight, but if there’s one gift he’s given me over the past few weeks, or maybe even the years we’ve been building to this point, it’s this car ride.

  I take my other hand and clasp it over his, sandwiching our hands. Gray lets out a slow breath, and I hope that he sees we’re not lost. Not yet. He’s running, and I’ll stop him. Save him. Grayson’s the strongest guy I know, but right now, it feels like I’m holding him afloat.

  “Emma, I did something that I can’t get out of.”

  I swallow and wonder if this has to do with his dad or something else. “Okay.”

  “And I keep pretending if I don’t know it’s coming, maybe it won’t happen.”

  Kind of like how I’m not thinking about Trydan. When the fall semester starts, I won’t see him every day. It isn’t that far away. Being a couple of states over isn’t that big of a deal unless he asks me to stay, and then it would be… a yes?

  Would I give up school and the photography program for Grayson?

  Yeah. No question.

  Everyone would call me foolish. They’d say I’m too young, that love doesn’t come this quickly. But no one would know how long it’s been or how deeply I love.

  “You can tell me anything. I’ll do anything. For you.” For us…

  He clears his throat. “That’s what I’m afraid of.” His hand squeezes mine. “Let’s pretend next week isn’t coming. Deal?”

  I just swore I’d do anything for him. Of course he knows my answer. “Deal.”

  But already, I’m trying to map out my plan on how to make ‘us’ a ‘we.’

  CHAPTER NINE

  Emma

  The beach house is rowdy. The guys are here. Ryan finally made it, and Trevor and James are a complete headache. Courtney and Melanie are gossiping, maybe—probably—about me. Ryan’s had his eye on Gray, who’s not kept his hands off of me, which earned me a quick conversation about Gray being both our friend, that he’s the good guy we’ve always known, and that if something’s going to happen while we’re all here, Ryan wouldn’t surprised.

  Okay… Apparently, my brother missed the last few weeks of me moping around but seems totally honed in on the smile I can’t hide now. But Ryan’s right, and Gray and I are moving to a good place as beach week ticks on.

  On day one, the heaviness of the car ride left us both fatigued. When everyone went out that night, we stayed in. Movies on the couch. We started on opposite ends, but by the time the credits rolled, I’d fallen asleep with my head in Gray’s lap, his hand lazily toying with my hair. What had happened between us weeks ago hovered somewhere between healing and ignored.

  On day two, we were at the beach all day. Volleyball and games of chicken in the ocean. No one else went up on Gray’s shoulders. They didn’t try, so he didn’t have to say no. We were connected at the hip except when I was squealing and screaming in the water, sitting high on his neck. His hands held my calves. His thumbs trailed my skin. And even with a million people around and freezing cold Atlantic Ocean water spraying us, my skin burned from his touch.

  My Gray was coming back. The future wasn’t in his head, and his eyes were only on me. I loved it. Loved him. God, so much.

  On day three, I laid on the beach with the girls. They had twenty questions about us, none of which I would answer, mostly because I didn’t know. But I didn’t miss his glances when I lounged out of his reach with the girls. They were long and lazy. Ryan, Trevor, and James gave him some hell, to which he replied with a laughing middle finger. The guys backed off, the girls swooned, and I melted any time Grayson came near.

  And that brings us to now, to my eyes tracking his beautiful body. For the better part of several days, he’s only worn board shorts. Every sexy muscle is on display. I’d known for the last few months that Gray had been slamming extra workouts before and after school. I’m reaping the benefits. Ryan, Trevor, and James look fine. They take care of themselves. But Grayson Ford looks like a beach god. A couple of days’ worth of sun has kissed him, and he’s beyond words. But no lines have been crossed, no amazing consequences of our unacknowledged flirting. Even though we’ve been side-by-side nonstop, that’s all it’s been.

  I’m done.

  And I think he’s done.

  Each day, his eyes stay on me longer. His hands touch more boldly. Our laughs are too loud, our gazes too deep. If he doesn’t kiss me soon, there’s a very good chance I will implode. Just ka-blamy.

  “We’re gonna grill out. He
ading to the store for steaks, beer, and whatever else,” Ryan shouts from the front door. “Anyone coming, let’s go.”

  Courtney and Melanie push past him; the guys do too. It’s just Gray and me waiting.

  “You going?” I ask.

  He steps closer, not answering. His hair is damp, having just showered, and sticking with his beach week uniform, he’s back in shorts that hang dangerously low on his hips. I swallow, trying to ignore the V where his stomach muscles lead to his hipbones. But I can’t. My eyes slide over him, and there is a distinct bulge in his dark shorts that can’t be missed. The thumping of my pulse begins in my neck.

  “Gray—”

  The front door closes behind Ryan, and Grayson’s on me. My body sings. His mouth takes mine. The kiss is rough, his possessive hands are greedy, and he’s breathing like I’m breathing.

  My bikini allows our bare stomachs to touch, and it sends me into carnal overdrive. All my senses are alive and infused with him. Sexy sounds make me purr. His lips devour mine and have me crawling and clinging to him. I let go of my hesitations and live in the moment, grasping his thick biceps.

  Gray’s hands run roughly over me. He palms and squeezes my breasts before he slides up and tears his fingers into my hair. Using the wall for leverage, I hook my legs around his hips, and he grabs my thighs, holding me in place.

  “We’re okay?” he growls against my neck.

  “Yes…” I’m nodding into his kiss, arching into his mouth.

  “Fuck me, I missed you.”

  I’m nodding more, hanging onto him for everything I’ve got. “You have no idea.” Tears well in my eyes, and what started hot and hungry slows.

  He senses me, knows me so well. Gray cups my cheeks, pushing me inches away. His eyes bore into me, removing every vulnerable layer I have. “You’re all that’s right in my head. You get that?”

  No. Not a chance. “I’m whatever you need.”

  He nods. His lips dance over mine. He tastes so familiar, smells like my greatest weakness. How does he have the whole world fooled?